I Fear That I Am Ordinary, Just Like Everyone

That's the first line from 'Muzzle' by The Smashing Pumpkins. Something that I've found myself relating to more and more, lately.
In deciding to start this blog, it was after years of considering it, but never actually following through. I'm not sure of the exact reason why it took so long, but I guess it's through fear that a lot of people who I have spoken to over the years will find out that I'm not as interesting as they think I am. This isn't me being full of myself here... people have told me how interesting I am many times over the years. A compliment that I've never personally believed, and it's always a shock to me when I receive it. I guess it's because I have written things that people have found interesting, but I'm not sure they realise how rare it is for me to write something that I put out there. With a blog, that may go for a large length of time without any updates people might finally realise how rare it is for me to say anything interesting and that I am 'ordinary, just like everyone'.

If I had my way, I'd be a musician. I'd have stuff to talk about, then... shows, new records, etc. But just my luck, that one thing that I've been completely invested in for the majority of my life, I have no talent for. Zero. Nada. Zip. Can't play my instrument. Can't sing. Can't even write a catchy tune to cover up the fact that I can't actually sing or play. I'm just stuck listening to the stuff... which I do obviously enjoy. But man, it'd be good to actually be able to sustain myself by sticking music up on Bandcamp and playing shows wherever I can.

This is not me feeling depressed or hunting for sympathy, by the way. It's just me getting some things off of my chest so that anybody who reads this isn't surprised or disappointed when I don't always have anything worth writing about. In fact, I probably won't even post the link to this one anywhere else... and since I currently have a grand total of zero followers right now, it's very likely no one will even read this particular entry.

I will leave with some more song lyrics... 'In My Mind' from Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under, which I think might be appropriate...

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm 120 pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined that I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined that I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old, I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me, now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagine that I could be that person now
But that's not what I want, if that's what I wanted then I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see that I don't want to be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground, I'll start pounding the lid
Saying "I haven't finished yet –
I still have a tattoo to get
That says 'I'm living in the moment'."
And it's funny how I imagined that I could win this winless fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny that I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny if I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all to think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

I hope to post something very soon that is worth reading.